Getting through the day.

This is how I feel today. Getting through it. Lonely. The sun is out, the weather has warmed into the 40’s. I think that’s the main thing that has kept me from sinking deep and staying there.

Mom woke at 3:40 with a vivid dream and needing to get to the bathroom for a change of nightshirt and brief. When someone takes as many sleep-inducing medications as she does, this is a struggle and a half – with me doing a lot of the holding up, cheer-leading, and clean up. She thanked me for all I do when I got her back into bed.

She slept until 9:40am and I did, too – turned off my alarm and didn’t get up until she called me. Home health was due to get here at 10, and it was a new worker, so the nurse supervisor would be there to “orient” her. It did not go well. I got mom cleaned up, partially, then turned her morning routine over to the workers and started getting the breakfast put together – coffee, medicines, etc. My dad had been waiting a while to eat and needed something so he could take some of his meds.

Half-way through the breakfast making routine, mom called my name. I went into the bathroom and got a tongue-lashing for having left her alone with new people. She was angry and sobbing and chastising me… and said the only person she wanted to get her ready in the morning was me. Ever. When I told her I couldn’t guarantee that, things went down-hill.

It’s amazing how little changes can throw her off. I do things a certain way. She’s used to it. If someone dresses her differently or moves her in a different way, it’s traumatic. And it’s also wearing on me to have to do this day after day. I know she loves me, and I appreciate that she is happy with how I do things, but I can’t be here all the time.

This day has been incredibly depressing and lonely. I wish there were others I could talk to who understood.

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