Lay your weary head to rest, don’t you cry no more…

Our household is suffering from depression and anxiety. The mood hangs like a heavy fog around us.

Dad has always dealt with depression, but Parkinson’s multiplies it. He always loved to talk, to argue, to discuss, but this disease has taken away his ability to speak. He was always independent, now he’s dependent on us for most of his needs.

Our son is stuck in depression and anxiety – he’s not moving forward with his life. With the pandemic, he lost his job at the community college. Now he stays up all night and sleeps during the day. Sometimes he doesn’t even eat dinner with us, he just sleeps. I’ve suggested that he find a volunteer opportunity because helping others can lift the spirits. He hasn’t moved on that suggestion.

Our daughter is currently deeply sunk in self-recrimination. Our grandson has always been a little different. DD is an expert worrier. I think that there is something different enough about him that it probably has a name, and she is convinced that whatever is wrong with him was caused by her prescription antidepressants during pregnancy. Guilt. Exhaustion (because GS is not a good sleeper and is exhausting to care for in the day), worry, guilt, chronic anxiety and depression are not good ingredients. I say you can’t go back, you can only go forward, but I’m afraid that’s not really helpful. It’s hard to see her in such emotional pain and be helpless to relieve it. It’s also hard to see our GS dealing with his anxieties and reactions to everyday situations.

DH and I are frustrated and sad. Neither of us sleep as well as we’d like. Both of us struggle with pain. This is not the life either of us expected to be living. I thought I might be caring for one of my parents, but I did not expect to be living with both of my children, a son in law, a grandson and my dad, and stuck at home because of a mismanaged pandemic and a crazy narcissistic president and his followers. I can’t say that I have been in danger of hurting myself (suicide) but sometimes it feels like death would be so much more peaceful. So what I really want is to feel good, not to have to be a cheerleader or a caregiver, just to do what I like to do.

Even the cat is a little depressed. Since she broke her leg and had to spend months in a splint, she is not able to jump up on anything like she used to. And she looks longingly at the cat tree which we have cordoned off. She used to sleep up at the top all the time. She will spend hours on my lap now if I’m available, and yowl pitifully if I am not.

On Tuesday, the hamsters are going to the local humane society. DD is keeping one of the babies, since one of the babies is very mellow and allows them to be handled. Dandelion will be finding a new home, with the caution that she would not be good for someone with small children and does not like to be handled a lot. Everyone in the house has been bitten by her except DH. We don’t hold it against her, we know now that she was probably stressed while she was pregnant and after the babies were born. But only one can stay, and it has been decided that the baby will stay.

So, sadness all around. It’s a good thing I don’t like alcohol. I’m pretty sure I would be in bad shape if I was a drinker.

“Carry on my wayward son, there’ll be peace when you are done. Lay your weary head to rest, don’t you cry no more” Kansas